Zen.

So, up to now this blog has pretty much just been facts.  XXX happened in August, YYY happened in October, blah blah blah.

I haven't talked much about how or why we chose to live with infertility...at least for now.  I know a lot of people opt not to pursue medical intervention in their reproductive processes due to religious beliefs.  That's not the case with us.  In fact, my husband is an Atheist.  I'm Catholic, but I couldn't tell you the last time I went to church - not counting weddings, of course.  Maybe Christmas '09?

Money is the issue.  We have a good-sized mortgage payment every month, and we have a hard time saving.  Yes, we could save if we really really tried, but up to now, we haven't.  I'm not going to offer up excuses for why, and I'm also not going to say that we're irresponsible.  It's not that simple.  But that's exactly the reason why we haven't taken our parents up on their offer to help.  Technically, we could save.  We're not destitute, and we're not desperate.  If our parents swooped in and paid for IVF, it would be primarily because we weren't willing to give up our current lifestyle to save for it ourselves.  And doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of having a baby?

Plus, there's the whole idea of our parents "buying" us a baby.  Something about that just doesn't sit right with me.  They're all DYING for grandchildren.  I get that.  They can afford it.  I get that too.  But if they shelled out the cash for an IVF cycle and it was successful, part of me would feel like it was their baby - they paid for it.  And if it wasn't successful?  Well, I can't even begin to consider the guilt I would feel for "wasting" up to $15K of my parents' money.  I just can't even process it.

These thoughts and feelings don't translate to others.  I don't think poorly of those who pursue IVF with assitance from their parents.  But given where I am right now, I just can't do it.  There are too many "what ifs" and I'm not sure that my psyche is in the right place. 

So where I am right now?  Cycle day 19.  3 or 4 days past ovulation.  I'm not exactly sure when I ovulated, but I had a couple of positive OPKs over the weekend, so we got down.  This morning I had a weird-ass massage.  It was probably just that I was paranoid about having a massage when we're trying to conceive (an issue that has never bothered me before today), but it just seemed different.  Off.  Way less comfortable than usual - and I've been using the same therapist since the fall.  So I don't know what that's all about.