Chain of Custody

Last Thursday was our IVF Orientation appointment.  Unlike the previous (stirrup-related) appointment, I wasn't nervous for this one, just curious.  We were scheduled to be at the hospital from 8 AM until noon, which seemed like a long time, but clearly, there was a lot of information to go through.

The first third of the appointment was spent with our RE, and he went through a checklist of items.  It seemed to be a risk overview more than anything, which was good - but a little scary.  Overall, our chances of conceiving are about 70%.  Our chance of  miscarrying is no greater than with a normal pregnancy.  There is an increased risk of multiples, which means a high-risk pregnancy, but we're okay with that.  If I have to spend the next ten months in bed, so be it.  Whatever it takes for a healthy baby.

At the end of our conversation with Dr. K, he brought up the topic of custody of any potential frozen embryos we may have at the end of this process. The first question wasn't so bad:

"There will inevitably be embryos which aren't viable for transfer.  Would you be willing to donate them to the hospital for research purposes?"

With a bit more explanation, we replied yes.  We are having IVF done at a research and teaching hospital, so this makes sense to us.

Then he broke out the biggie:

"If you two get divorced, who gets custody of the embryos?"

Um, what?  I had no idea this was coming, and it wasn't something that Jared and I had talked about. I was honestly shocked into silence.  My amazing husband turned to me and said, "She gets them.  But I get the house."  Oh, that joker.

Then the inevitable, "What if one of you passes?"  We decided that the other would take custody - done.

"What if you both pass?"  Another biggie.

We decided that if we both were to pass away, that we would want to donate our frozen embryos to other infertile couples who may need them.  I would like to think that this is standard, but I really have no idea.

These custody decisions were the right ones for us, but I can fully understand how other couples may not want to do as we do.  We have closely followed the debate surrounding the Personhood amendment, and we feel strongly that life does not begin at fertilization.  And that's all I'm going to say about that, because it feels like I'm cracking open a can of worms.

I'm glad we were forced into a conversation that wouldn't have occurred to us otherwise, because I think it's moments such as those where your marriage grows - where you find yourself surprised, impressed, or dismayed by your spouse's reaction - and all of those feelings are valid and meaningful.